


UNDERCOVER

by Picpicpic



Category: Chicago Fire
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Danger, F/M, Friendship/Love, M/M, Realization, Undercover Missions
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-01
Updated: 2018-11-18
Packaged: 2019-04-16 20:11:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 5,880
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14172528
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Picpicpic/pseuds/Picpicpic
Summary: This chapter takes place immediately after chapter 3. No time in between - the message related to is the message in chapter 3. Hope that's clear...





	1. Prologue

**Prologue** |

00:32 Incoming message. From: Severide: Matt, I’m outside. Open your door, don’t tell Gabby.

_._

_“Sev?”_  Matt says as he opens the door to a crack a few minutes later, his eyes groggy, indicating he’s been woken up. Severide stands outside the door, fully dressed, a small duffle bag in his hands.

 _“Matt,”_  Kelly whispers in relief.

_“What’s going on, Sev? Everything ok?” Matt opens the door further, leaning against it, his body half hidden behind it as he’s just in a t-shirt and boxers. “Come in,”_

_“No, Matt, listen. I don’t have time.”_ Kelly whispers hurriedly, his voice dropping even lower. _“Chicago PD approached me. I’m going undercover for a while to help them. I’ve come to say goodbye.”_

 _“What? Where?"_ Matt hardly follows, trying to string Kelly’s words to make sense.

_“I don’t know. And I can’t tell you. I’m not even supposed to be here, but I couldn’t leave without letting you know.”_

_"When?”_  

_“Tonight. Now. I’m meeting Olinsky in twenty. You cannot tell anyone. Anyone, Matt.”_

_“For How long?”_

_“Don’t know. A couple of weeks? A month? Maybe two?”_

_“What? Kel?”_ Matt almost whimpers in confusion.

 _“Matt, I need to go,”_ Kelly says relentingly, frustrated that their limited time is wasted on dry explanations rather than what's important. Then his hand comes up to Matt’s shoulder, squeezing tightly,  _“Stay safe.”_  He turns to go before Matt can even fathom what’s going on.

 _“Kelly, wait. Wait.”_ Matt insists, stepping out from behind the door, grabbing at Kelly’s jacket. He pulls him into a hug, wrapping his arms around Kelly’s shoulders.  _“YOU be safe.”_  He whispers. “ _I mean it, Kel, no brazen heroics. Stay safe and come back. You hear me, come back. Promise me.”_ He doesn’t care it sound weak and needy and out-of-character. A horrible feeling develops in his gut, and he can’t quite fathom how his routinely calm night suddenly flipped so abruptly, threatening to take away his best friend, the man he cannot imagine his life without.  

_“Matt,”_

_“Promise me.”_ Matt cuts in, jolting him with force.

Kelly’s head sinks into the curve of Matt’s neck, his arms wrap tighter around him.  _“I promise.”_


	2. 2

2 |

The following Shift, two days later, was excruciating. Chief had gathered them up to share the news of Kelly’s absence, conveying meager and practical details: Chicago PD had asked for Kelly’s help, need to know basis only, the duration is unknown, Capp will fill in for him as leader of Squad until a replacement can be found if needed.

And then they’d dispersed throughout the house each dealing with the news in their own way.   
Most of the shift members were rather indifferent, as they didn’t regard it to be too serious: People missed and changed shifts all the time, Chicago PD knew what they were doing, if they’d asked for help it’s because they needed it. Kelly will be back soon.

Only Matt’s gut didn’t let him settle, the bad feeling that struck him as Kelly stood at his door, still gnawing on his insides, gradually growing.   
He’d watched Kidd as she got the news, her surprise merged with relief, as her worry over his wordless disappearance was eased by the fact that someone had known where he’d vanished to, only to then be replaced with insult and anger that he hadn’t told her, hadn’t left a note or any clue.

Matt’s stomach now added guilt to the equation. He’s not sure what the situation is between Kidd and Kelly. Were they just roommates? Had Kelly made the move and changed the status quo? By Stella’s sad eyes and worry-bags, Matt assumed yes. But it wasn’t his fault Kelly had chosen to come say goodbye to him; Their year-long bond tipping the scale in comparison to Kidd and Kelly’s newfound connection. He can’t say he’s sorry that Kelly came to him, if anyone deserves that stealthy farewell, it’s Matt, and he cannot begin to explain to her Kelly’s role in life, but the guilt still eats at him as he watches his truck mate silently come to terms with the absence of her friend/roommate/lover. He silently avoids her as much as possible, closing himself off in his quarters.

It's on a call that Matt comes to realize, just how reliant he is on Severide’s usual presence. Not that he doesn’t function without him, the call goes on without a hitch. But he soon notices, the first thing he does as he jumps off the truck to a scene, is to search for Kelly. When he comes out of a burning building, carrying a victim, his eyes wander around to locate Kelly. His ears perk up to hear Kelly’s deep voice on the radio as he hunts his way through the smoky building. It’s a knowledge, a feeling of security, that someone has your back, and a slight shudder goes through him every time he realizes again Kelly isn’t there. When he finally comes out the building again, he has to remind himself, not to wait for Severide to come out after him. It’s then he starts counting, every time he catches himself searching for Kelly.   
By the end of the call he reaches 6 times, and by the end of shift, a few, rather quiet hours later, the count is already up to 18.

 

A week goes by, and Matt finds himself counting even when he’s off shift. He’s not sure why, but it brings some comfort to him. The numbers stack high, and he soon realizes, Severide is on his mind way more than he was aware of, with and without relation to shift: when he switches the television on and a Hawks’ game begins, when he almost burns Gabby and his dinner, remembering that time, while Sev and him were sharing a flat, that their nonsense made them forget the stove; When out buying groceries he finds the special imported beer Kelly likes, the one they celebrated with when Kelly’d made Squad; when he’s busy on a construction job, rhythmically hammering nails and his mind wanders, wondering if Kelly’s okay, and how he’s doing, and if he’s safe.

 

Third shift into Kelly’s absence, is a difficult one. It’s just one of those days, where everything seems against you and the fires keep winning.   
A midnight call to a collapsed construction site, takes a turn to the worse when Matt becomes precariously pinned in with the two last victims. Darkness taking over as the electricity is cut, the air becoming dangerously thin, it takes a long while for the team to reach them, by which time both victims are already dead.   
If nothing else, Matt comes out shaken and scared. Though he won’t admit it and won’t let anyone register it.   
After being checked over by the paramedics, he closes in on himself, taking his seat in truck, a blank mask on his face, while Chief takes over command of his men as they wrap the scene.

 

Gabby having taken victims to Med, wasn’t there when they finally rescued Matt. She arrives back at 51 long after truck and looks for Matt frantically.  
 _“Baby?”_ she calls to him softly, as she spots him at his desk, his eyes staring at the wall in front of him and he’s lost in thought. _“You okay?”_ she asks as she slips into the room, slowly finding her way to his lap.

_“Yeah,”_ he sighs lightly, relief and agitation in his voice, _“yeah, I’m fine.”_ He wraps his arms around her and they sit silently for a moment.

_“I was worried,”_ she mumbles into his neck.

_“I’m fine. Don’t worry. It was just long, but I’m fine.”_

_“I love you.”_

_“I love you too.”_

_“You want to get some sleep?”_ she asks quietly, nodding in the direction of his bunk. It’s very rare that they share his bunk during shift, but she feels tonight may be an exception, as she can feel him struggling. She’s not even sure with what.

_“Sure.”_ He says, non-committing. He then lets her lead him to the bunk, spreading on his back as she snuggles against him. soon he can hear her light breaths, indicating she’s fallen asleep.    
But Matt lays there, wide awake, thoughts running through his mind. The thoughts that had crept on him in the darkness, as he waited for his teammates to free him, the memories his been plagued with this past week, the heavy feeling that has taken residence in his gut ever since that night Kelly said goodbye. Most of all a need now burns inside him, to hear Kelly’s voice.   
Not that Kelly can say anything he doesn’t already know, but he has this unique knack, of calming Matt, grounding and reassuring him, giving him perspective, and the feeling that he's not alone. He quietly slips out of his bunk, leaving Gabby to sleep, while he goes to the kitchen in search of some inner peace in the form of coffee.   
It’s on his way back that he walks by Kelly’s quarters, standing dark and empty. Without a second thought, he slips inside, his fingers roaming the back of the chair, before he lies on the bed, cell phone already dialing at his ear.

_“Kel,”_ he begins, the beep of the automatic answering machine catching him unready _, “it’s me. I actually don’t know if you have your cell with you or when you’ll hear this._ ” He voices his thoughts without really thinking. _“I just hope you’re ok, Kelly.”_ He then exhales a lengthy, shaky breath. “ _Sorry, this is probably freaking you out,”_ he chuckles to himself. “ _Everything fine. Just a rough shift_. _I wish you were here. And I hope you’re okay.”_  He repeats, like a prayer. _“Stay safe, Kel. You promised.”_


	3. 3

3 |

 

00:32 Incoming message. From: Unregistered number: _I’m fine, keeping my promise_. _I miss you too_


	4. 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter takes place immediately after chapter 3. No time in between - the message related to is the message in chapter 3. Hope that's clear...

4 |

Matt’s startled awake at the ping of his phone in the middle of the night.  At first, he panics that something has happened, something was wrong. It takes him a moment, after reading, to think it over and make sense of the odd message.

It’s been two weeks since he’d left Kelly the voice message. He feels kind of stupid for leaving that message now, having realized in hindsight how dangerous it could have been for Kelly, how weak he’d sounded and how unfair it was, as Kelly couldn’t have done anything about it anyway.

But now Kelly had chosen to contact him, to answer, to let him know and reassure him.

He figures Kelly must be using a dispensable burner phone, through which he’d connected to his voicemail and heard Matt’s message. Sadly, he finds he cannot call or even text back. He wishes Kelly had kept the phone on long enough for a quick exchange. But he’s happy and grateful to have received a line from Kelly. Short and sweet as it is.

Another wave of guilt washes over him as he thinks about showing Kidd the message. On the one side, it’d let her know Kelly was okay. On the other, it would pain her to know he’d contacted Matt and not her, ( _again_ ).   
He’s not sure what’s the right thing to do; keep it from her or tell her. Kelly hadn’t written anything to or about her, but Matt figures that may also be to protect her. The less detail and connections, the safer.   
He tries to think what he’d want if the roles were reversed; if he’d have been left in the dark to worry, while Kidd had contact with Kelly, would he want to know? Would he be able to understand? Yes, he figures, knowing Kelly was alive and alright would be more important than his own ego. He just hopes Kidd can be as rational.

 

In the bed next to him, Gabby changes her position, grumbling lightly at the light coming from Matt’s phone.

_“Everything ok, babe?”_

Matt smiles at the question, letting the knowledge that Kelly is safe, and missing him wash over him.   
He wonders briefly if he should delete the message if it could somehow be traced but finds he can’t bring himself to do it. Deciding to postpone the decision until the morning, he turns the screen off and snuggles into bed, pulling Gabby to him.

_“Everything is perfect.”_


	5. 5

5 |

Six weeks after Kelly’s departure, Matt, encouraged by the Chief to use some of his accrued vacation days before he loses them, leaves Chicago for a weekend conference, initiated by a new company trying to persuade private constructors to take her on as their suppliers. Matt’s not all that enthusiastic about committing to one supplier, preferring to do his research and hunt for the best deals and prices on his own, but it’s an all-included weekend for a ridiculous price, he has the time off, and he thinks he might learn a thing or two about new methods and approaches concerning his business. Thursday afternoon, after swearing both Gabby and the Chief to contact him IMMEDIATELY if they hear ANYTHING about or from Kelly, he begins the four-hour drive to Springfield for the weekend.

 

Sometime along the way, with the shining sun, his windows rolled down, the air and the music, a wave of happiness and freedom washes over him, and he finds himself excited for something new and different like he hasn’t been in a long time. Quietly, he wishes Kelly could be here with him, thinking, they really do deserve a weekend on their own, to laugh and unwind like they used to do.

He wonders why he’s not wanting Gabby to join. Though she tried, and he didn’t object to the idea, she couldn’t get the time off, and now he finds he’s kind of happy to have the time to himself. The thought, of course, makes him feel guilty. But since Kelly’s left, he hasn’t been very social, hadn’t wanted to go out much, so they’d spent most of their free time together, just the two of them, both trying hard to ignore the very delicate tenuous tension trickling between them ever since Kelly had gone.

If he’s completely honest with himself, it was there even before. They’ve had a rocky time lately, battling insecurities and mistrust between them, choosing, again and again, to fight for their relationship and hold on to each other. Matt does love her, but recently he’s often felt alone, even when she was standing in front of him. He’d feel left out or neglected when she’d go on one of her ever-recurring crusades without talking to him, without asking his opinion or relating hers to him. Giving him the feeling, he wasn’t enough to satisfy her, to fill her life with meaning. She kept promising he is, and that she’d change and that things would change. And they would, for a while, until another case or patient or child would come between them again. Somehow, Kelly leaving had given them more time together but had also worked to accentuate for them how unsatisfied they secretly were with one another.

These thoughts make Matt sad and angry, his sudden good mood turns somber and sour. Though he tries to clear his head, focus on driving and the music, his mood remains solemn, and by the time he reaches Springfield and finds his hotel and his room, all he wants is to hit the sack without dinner or even a shower.

 

The workshops and Lectures on Friday were good, interesting enough to keep him engaged and his mind from wandering like it seemed to do at home. He’d met some nice, interesting people, and found himself glad about his decision to come to the conference, happy for the distraction. He’d texted with Gabby shortly at lunch, to see how she was, and shot a message to the Chief, to check if he’d heard anything from Severide. That evening, after dinner, when some guys from the conference invite him to join them for a beer at a pub nearby, he gladly accepts, preferring the company and the scenery over a lonely night in his room, with only his thoughts for company.

It’s when one bar turns to another, and another, that he begins to doubt his choice. Some of the guys are clearly on their way to overdoing it with the drinking, and though he was careful to keep his consumption moderate, hopping from bar to bar, he’s unmeaningly also rather on the drunk side. That’s why, as they enter a dingy all-night dive bar a few blocks from their hotel, he can’t quite fathom the sight in front of him, quite positive his eyes are deceiving him.


	6. 6

6 |

An illusion. A hallucination. It has to be. It cannot be. _Matt_.

He could swear that the guy laughingly stumbling into the bar was Matt. His golden hair shining in the colored lights just like Matt’s hair does. His stature similar to Matt’s, and his laughter, that unique note of contentment mixed with timidity, wishing to let go but not trusting entirely, that only Matt’s laughter rings of, had caught his attention before he could see the man’s face.

And then Matt’s blue eyes settle on him, capture him, growing wide and alert. He can see the confusion and then the realization dawning, and then the uncertainty at what to do. He can see Matt’s drunkenness leaving him, as his mind pieces the situation together. His eyes alight with happiness and hope and question at Kelly’s presence across the bar.

It all takes a mere couple of seconds. Kelly is first to come to his senses, heartbreakingly sending Matt a tiny shake of the head, hoping he’d get the message, the warning, and then turning his attention back to his drinking partner, a stout thick man, well into his forties, sitting beside him.

Matt takes it in, Kelly’s wondering eyes, and then the anxious frown flickering on his face, the small shake of the head, telling him not to come over, not to make himself and their connection known. His eyes follow Kelly as he turns to the scruffy man next to him, and he wonders if and what danger he might be putting Kelly in.

But as much as they both try, and wish to avoid one another, their gazes perpetually fall on one another, their eyes drawn to each other, drinking the other in, searching for changes, relishing the familiarity. Even with all the oddity of the situation, the unfamiliar setting, the strangers around, Matt feels something he had not felt since Kelly left, a weird, comforting sense of safety. Having Kelly in his peripheral again, despite the possible danger, affirms a sense of security Matt has been missing for the past weeks. For the first time in almost a month and a half, he finds himself relaxing. Just a bit. Still very much aware, still sharp, but at the same time, confident, comfortable. Comfortable. In an odd way, Kelly’s presence, make Matt feel comfortable in his own skin. Safe.

Eventually one of the guys at Matt’s table calls them both out on it. _“That guy is totally checking you out.”_ He says eagerly, making Matt double-take between him and Kelly.

 _“I thought you were married,”_ another man pipes in before Matt can even react.

 _“So?”_ the first one answers without giving Matt any notice _, “even a bound cow needs to graze. Anyway,”_ he says wiggling his eyebrows, _“what happens in Springfield...”_ He then clasps Matt on the shoulder, pulling him up without waiting for an answer, _“come on, let’s go introduce you.”_

As much as he wants to refuse, to put up a fight, his legs carry him toward Kelly before his brain can catch up. Maybe it’s the alcohol, maybe it’s the tingling curiosity of what’d happen if they play the strangers game, maybe it the inability to decline the possibility to be near Kelly again, to hear his voice, to see him smile.

 _“Hi,”_ the man plants himself in front of the two men sitting at the bar. _“I’m Tim, this is Matt.”_ He then waits expectantly for either of the two to answer. Their eyes skim over the two strangers standing before them.

 _“Kelly,”_ Kelly answers firmly, _“George.”_ He points a thumb at the man next to him. _“You guys new in town?”_ he asks them both, but his eyes are glued to Matt’s.

 _“No, we’re just in town for a conference,”_ Matt answers, coming closer to Kelly, as Tim circles around to George’s other side, trying to catch his attention. “ _Just for the weekend” Matt’s_ voice is lined with hope only Kelly can hear.

 _“What conference?”_ George asks suspiciously.

 _“Construction,”_ Tim answers happily, and Matt thinks maybe his eagerness to introduce themselves was not only for Matt’s benefit. _“And you? what do you guys do?”_

_“He’s a firefighter, I’m a business owner,”_

_“Oh, what business is that?”_ Tim’s eagerness is unrelenting.

 _“Funeral home.”_ George answer, a tad of threat in his voice, as he’s well aware of the oddity and graveness of his profession. Both Tim and Matt take a second to assess if he’s serious. Matt's eyes wander to Kelly’s, who affirms his suspicion silently.

 _“Wow,”_ Tim huffs out, _“that’s some heavy stuff.  No wonder you need a nightcap. What will it be? I’m buying.”_

_“No, you’re not.”_

_“Come on, George,”_ Kelly intervenes, wanting to prolong their time, _“one drink can’t hurt, can it?”_

George eyes him deviously _, “Didn’t read you as that kind of guy,”_ he says, something almost shy behind his shadey voice.

 _“Well, I’m not the kind of guy to decline free booze,”_ Kelly plays dumb, trying to change the subject. He feels like he’s walking on eggshells. Careful not to upset the ever-unpredictable George, but desperate for the opportunity for time with Matt.

_“One shot and you two piss off.”_

_“You’re no fun at all,”_ Tim retorts, but Kelly and Matt shoot him silencing glares.

 _“Come on, order,”_ George barks as he makes his way off his stool _. “I’m gonna take a leak.”_

 _“Which hotel are you at?”_ Kelly asks hurriedly, double checking that George is out of earshot and Tim is busy with the bartender.

 _“Hotel S. room 226”_ Matt answers, growing both excited and agitated.

 _“I’ll come to you, I promise. But you have to get your friend and leave. Now.”_ He whispers under his breath, as both Tim and George make their way back.

 

 _“To new friends,”_ Tim toasts obliviously as they raise their glass.

 _“New friends,”_ Matt and Kelly mumble incoherently, while George already downs the shot, waiting expectantly for the two of them to take their leave.

 

 _“Bossy, that one,”_ Tim mumbles in his ear on their way back to their table. _“Sorry it didn’t work out for you,”_ he says as he clasps Matt on the shoulder. Though his body is buzzing, and his mind reeling, Matt’s features remain closed and calm. Soon after, he feigns fatigue and succeeds to drag them out of the bar and back to the hotel, where he impatiently waits for Severide to appear.


	7. 7

7 | 

Two hours later, there’s a knock on the door of his hotel room. Three singular knocks followed by three quick subsequent knocks; their secret knock with Andy: three singles make a trio. That was their motto, their bond, even if and when they had girlfriends, or fiancées or wives.  
Matt moves quickly to open the door.

 _“Kelly,”_ he sighs in relief as he lays eyes on him.

 _“Matt,”_ Kelly pushes the door open and enters, hurriedly closing the door behind him before wrapping his arms around Matt.

 _“What are you doing here, Matt?” “I’m so glad you’re ok, What going on?”_ they speak over each other.

 _“I can’t tell you,”_ Kelly says as he’s pulled away _. “it’s too dangerous. What are you doing here? Is it really a conference?”_

_“Yes.”_

_“So, no one sent you? You don’t have a message or anything for me?”_ Kelly asks, his eyes searching Matt’s and Matt can see the urgency behind them.

 _“No. Kel? Who? What?-“_ he stops himself from asking any further when he sees Kelly’s determination set in.  They stand in silence for a moment, assessing each other, questions running through their mind. Matt can see dark circles under Kelly’s eyes as if he’s not been sleeping. If Matt isn’t mistaking, he’s also lost some weight. Worry etched into his features.

 _“How’s Kidd?”_ Kelly asks finally, distracting Matt from his inquisition, setting their conversation on a safer path.

 _“Worried,”_ Matt answer frankly, _“upset that you’ve disappeared, that she’s out of the loop.”_

_“You haven’t told her anything, have you? That I’ve contacted you? that you’ve found me?”_

_“No, I haven’t. but it wasn’t easy.”_

_“I know and I’m sorry, but you can’t Matt. Everything here is so fucking explosive, and complicated. These guys that I’m dealing with here, they’re the real deal, and if they find out…  it’s safer that you don’t know. For all of us.”_

_“Are you ok, Kelly?”_

Matt’s question goes without an answer, as Kelly looks at him silently before changing the subject again, _“How’s 51? Tell me everything. Did Cruz close that deal on the Slamigan?”_

Matt reluctantly yields, giving up on getting any information of out Kelly, happy for the opportunity to just see him, talk to him, he begins to recall firehouse stories from the last weeks Kelly had missed. Soon they’re sitting on the bed, laughing calmly as if it were any other night in Chicago.

…

 _“No!”_ Kelly wakes up with a shout. It takes him a moment to see where he’s at, Matt’s figure coming into focus beside him on the bed. He pants in relief as he realizes he’s safe, his conscious playing tricks on him in his sleep.

 _“You okay?”_ Matt asks worriedly from his spot on the bed. Both of them having fallen asleep on the covers.

 _“I’m next,”_ Kelly mumbles in realization, his calm, accepting voice sends a shiver down Matt’s spine.

_“Next?”_

_“That guy you saw today, George,”_ Kelly begins, yielding to his fatigue and Matt’s curiosity. His voice so low, Matt can barely hear him, but he doesn’t dare to move in case Kelly stops talking. _“His brother’s a firefighter at the house where I’m stationed. Two firefighters from the house were killed on duty in the past 3 months, and two more from other houses. George has a contract with the Springfield fire department, and the police suspect he and his brother are causing these deaths to get George the business. It’s creepy and dark and cynical. And I think I’m next on their list.”_

 _“But what are you actually doing here, Kelly, why you?”_ Matt asks carefully, the pieces not yet falling together. Kelly turns his head, looking at Matt as if he’s surprised to see him there.

 _“They need my expertise on arson. To prove those men died in fires that were started through arson, and to connect them to George and Gary. See if I can get close and find something incriminating on them. but if they suspect anything, anything…”_ Kelly’s features grow dark as he follows his thought through.

_“Who’s keeping you safe? Who’s got your back?” Matt asks worriedly, the precarity of Kelly’s situation dawning on him._

_“I am,” Kelly says, determination setting back on his face._

_“That’s not enough.”_ Matt’s hand moves to lay on Kelly’s chest, grabbing at his shirt, as if to keep him safe by mere contact. Make sure he doesn’t leave. _“How’d you agree to this, somebody should be making sure you’re safe. What if something happens?”_

Kelly’s hand moves slowly, to cover Matt’s on his chest, comforted by the contact. _“I have a contact at the Springfield police, the apartment and my cell are tapped. They’re supposed to be on top of everything, without being seen.”_

 _“But?”_ Matt can feel there’s something playing on Kelly’s mind.

_“But I have a really bad feeling. And my contact has not been in contact for a while.”_

_“Kel?”_ Matt says, his voice small and unsure. But Kelly just sighs heavily, worry covering his face, before he turns onto his side, his back to Matt, pulling on Matt’s arm, to bring him closer, making Matt the bigger spoon.   
Matt doesn’t dare breathe, not knowing what to do or what it means.

 _“You don’t mind, do you?”_ Kelly asks finally, his voice portraying fear – not of the future or what’s going to happen but of being rejected, of being denied the solace of Matt’s proximity and safety, of being alone.

 _“No,”_ Matt whispers, adjusting himself to envelop Kelly as much as possible, tightening his arms around him. _“I don’t mind.”_

…

At 5:15, Kelly gets up, waking Matt as he peels himself from Matt’s embrace. _“I have to go,”_ he whispers, _“sorry.”_

Matt blinks up at him momentarily before coming to his bearings, watching as Kelly goes into the bathroom, getting up to face him when he comes out. But Kelly doesn’t meet his eye, moving to the chair where his jacket is laying, putting it on.

 _“Kel,”_ Matt comes to stand before him, _“take care of yourself. You have to eat to keep up your strength,”_ he says, letting Kelly know it hadn’t gone unnoticed. _“Stay safe. You’re smarter than them. And if things become dangerous, walk away. You don’t owe them anything,”_ Matt almost pleads, knowing there is very little chance of Kelly ever leaving something unfinished. Especially if lives are at risk and he can do something about it.

 _“You wouldn’t,”_ Kelly answers, looking Matt in the eye, both of them knowing he’s right.  He then pulls Matt for one last hug, _“Go home, Matt. It’s too dangerous for you to stay here. Go home so I can relax, that at least you’re not at risk. Please. I’ll see you soon at home.”_ With that, he lets go, opens the door and disappears through it.


	8. Chapter 8

8 |

_“Matt,”_ Kelly exhales heavily, relief and guilt mixing as he sets eyes on his friend. It’s been hours since Matt had left him in the alleyway behind the bar. Banished without a second glance. Kelly, shaken and ashamed, had no choice but to stay with George for a drink, play the game, make sure he thought it was absolutely over, that he had the upper hand. Then he made his way, as fast as was safely possible, to Matt’s hotel room. Knowing, though the conference is over, Matt would stay, waiting for him. The words slip off his tongue as he slips through the door. _“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,”_ Kelly mumbles, “ _that shouldn’t have happened. I’m so sorry.”_

The tumble of his words stops abruptly, as strong arms push him back against the door, yet pull him in against Matt, and warm lips meet his own. Sweet, determined, searching, they learn the taste and curve of Kelly’s lips, reflect on the possibilities their linkage brings, suck and nibble and awaken something Kelly’s been fighting so hard to suppress.

Of their own accord, Kelly’s hands climb to grab at Matt’s collar, roaming along his neck, his jawline, up to his cheeks, not believing he’s really there, making sure he doesn’t vanish into air. Slowly, Matt’s relentless lips release, his mouth opens to draw much-needed breath, he stays close, his eyes still closed.

_“Matt, what are you doing?”_ Kelly whispers as he pants to catch his breath, his arms not letting go of Matt,

_“I don’t know …”_ Matt pants in answer, but then something changes inside him, he pushes his forehead along Kelly’s jawline, his breaths tickling at Kelly’s skin, his voice small but determined.   _“I’m being selfish… I’m taking what I want,”_

_“Am I what you want?”_

_“Yes,”_

_“What about Gabby, and Stella, and home?”_

_“I don’t know, Kelly. I don’t know. Stop talking. Don’t make me think.”_ Matt’s breath hitches with surprise as he feels himself lifted off the ground and on to Kelly’s hips. _“You, you, you,”_ he breathes out as he showers Kelly’s face with kisses.

_“Take me,”_ Kelly whispers onto Matt’s skin as he carries him towards the bed, mumbling on until Matt’s mouth covers his, drowning his words with his tongue. It’s so different from their first kiss; so deep, it’s almost violent. Matt, still raised on Kelly’s hip, his head higher, his hands free to manoeuvre Kelly’s head, takes full control, his inquiring tongue everywhere at once.

.

_“It’s not because you feel guilty? Right? About what happened in the alley?”_ Matt panics suddenly, his action stopping abruptly.

_“No,”_ Kelly shakes his head, trying to stop Matt from climbing off him.

_“I don’t want your pity,”_ Matt warns, now standing before Kelly.

_“This is not a pity-fuck, Matt.”_ Kelly counters sincerely.

_“Oh yeah?”_ Matt challenges, satisfied, his lips resuming their fierce interrogation of Kelly’s skin, _“What kind of a fuck is it then?”_

_“An I’m-so-happy-you’re-here fuck.”_ Kelly's hands join his lips in their roaming across Mat’s body, tugging at buttons and strings, pulling away clothes. _“An I’ve-missed-you fuck. An I-can’t-stop-thinking-about-you fuck.”_

_“A you-mean-the-world-to-me fuck?”_

“ _An I’ve-been-wanting-this-forever fuck.”_

_“A FINALLY fuck?”_

_“Yes.”_

_“Yes.”_

_“Yes.”_

_“Mmh. Kel-”_

..

_“Can I ask you something inappropriate?”_ Kelly asks softly, hours later, as they lie on top of each other in bed, limbs still entangled, catching their breath as they come down from their joint exertion.

_“Well, this is would be the setting for inappropriate,”_ Matt quips.

_“Where did you learn to give such good head?”_ Kelly’s voice is filled with guilt and pleasure and curiosity as he thinks back to what happened in the alleyway.

_“I’ll take that as a compliment,”_

_“You should.”_ Kelly agrees. _“but tell me,”_

_“Yours is not the first cock I’ve sucked, Kelly,”_ Matt answers pointedly, his defensive walls going slightly up. _“Not even the first time I’ve had to do under threat.”_ He adds a tad of pain colouring his voice.

_“I’m sorry,”_

_“Don’t be. Not your fault.”_ Matt dismisses. _“It was mine, I shouldn’t have come to the bar looking for you.”_

_“No. I mean, you shouldn’t have, but I should have stopped George. I shouldn’t have let it get that far. I’m sorry.”_

_“He was holding us at gunpoint, Kelly. Let it go.”_ After another moment of heavy silence, Matt adds, _“If I have to take anyone’s cock under duress, I’d rather it be yours.”_

_“I’ll try to take that as a compliment,”_ Kelly says dryly, not completely succeeding to bring the humour back into the conversation.

_“You have a beautiful cock, Kelly Severide,”_ Matt’s voice caresses him as his hand moves to stroke him again, _“take that as a compliment.”_

_“Oh, yeah?”_ Kelly chuckles, flipping them over to lie on top of Matt, _“Does that mean we’re ready for round three?”_

_“Already?”_ Matt chuckles, but Kelly’s features grow serious.

_“If tonight is all we have, I want to do everything with you.”_ Kelly’s whispered voice strains with desire and hope.

The thought sits heavy and uncomfortable with both of them, they silently invest themselves again into each other’s bodies, trying to forget. Their ministrations move from carnal passion to deep desire, they slow down, stretch deep, take time to explore and commit each other to memory, the room filling with panted names, then breathless pleas, then pleasured grunts, stilling to the calming of ragged breaths.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I wrote most of this a very long time ago,(when I began this story) as chapter 9, feeling I'm missing chapter 8 with a real-time telling of the scene at the alleyway. Then I read it today and thought maybe it'd be enough to reconstruct it here, after-the-fact, as it was more important to get on with this story... I hope it works, and you get the picture of what happened. (anyone want to recap for us?) and you'll probably get more details in the next chapter.. (which is not written yet. This is the last chapter I had written... and I hope to get back to this story soon)  
> blababla, Picpicpic


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